September 11, 1998 will be a day that will live in infamy. On that night, the Olympic Auditorium in Los Angeles, a sacred Mecca of professional wrestling, the legendary home to such wrestling dignitaries as Fred Blassie, Mil Mascaras and John Tolos, will be defiled by an abomination to this, the Sport of Kings.
For on that fateful night dear readers the NBC Television network will tape a special at this sanctum tentatively to be called "The Secrets of Professional Wrestling". On this show scheduled to broadcast on a November Sunday night, eight masked workers will demonstrate and expose the in ring business of professional wrestling to a nationwide audience.
Now I know what some of you are thinking. Who cares? After all 95% of the fans out there know what the "deal is with pro wrestling anyway, right? Despite the knowledge that wrestling is , well, not on the up and up, they will still plunk down the $25 for a wrestling ticket anyway? And after all, Mr. Moreland, not only do wrestlers do shoot interviews and drink in bars with their "rivals" all the time, here you are, a ring announcer and the president of a Pennsylvania indie promotion, sitting here writing a shoot column for a sheet, right?
All this is true except for one thing: these 8 masked wrestlers have CROSSED THE LINE!
You see, when that mark plucks down his hard earned money, he has the right to suspend his disbelief for three hours. He may see a heel and babyface sit next to each other at the gimmick table. He may see the boys ride to the show together only to wrestle each other in a steel cage that night. But from the time the bell rings and the two wrestlers lock up, he has the right to pretend that what he is seeing in that ring is real and enjoy himself.
These eight jobroni's want to ruin that for everyone. Not only do they want to ruin it for the fans out there, but they, for a quick payoff, want to break the final sacred covenant of the wrestling business: THOU SHALT NOT SHOW THOSE NOT SMART TO THE BUSINESS HOW YOU PERFORM MATCHES IN THE RING.
While some of these, these, why these bastard sons of bitches may be retired (or driven out) and not in the business anymore, ie. the Eddy Mansfield's or Jim Wilson's of the world, reports I have is that most of these low lifers are indie workers currently in the business. As for those individuals, all I can say is that you are a disgrace to professional wrestling , the human race and have sold your soul for a mere buck.
With that in mind, I make the following declaration, and if you are one of these 8 goofballs, pay close attention: On behalf of all the workers in the dressing room who have or are paying their dues, and in the memory of those past and deceased that have given their limbs, even their lives to this the greatest of all sports, I hereby declare the careers of all 8 of these so called wrestlers NULL AND VOID.
On behalf of all those wishing to preserve the dignity and sanctity of the deepest secrets of professional wrestling, I am offering, upon the raising of the appropriate funds, $10,000 to any PROFESSIONAL WRESTLER that can, WITHIN THE CONFINES OF THE WRESTLING RING, end the career of any of these eight individuals participating in this television special, upon their identification This offer is NOT OPEN TO FANS WISHING TO JUMP THE RAIL OR TO DRESSING ROOM THUGS- THE CRIPPLING INJURY MUST OCCUR IN THE RING!!!)
In addition, I call on ALL wrestling fans to BOYCOTT any shows these 8 wrestlers are involved with in the future!
Now this is where I need your help, wrestling fans! I am officially declaring that I will pledge $500 out of my pocket towards this bounty on the heads of these 8 wrestlers. But my goal is to raise $80,000. That's $10,000 for each wrestler participating in the TV special. What I need is for each and every one of you to reach down deep, and e-mail your pledges to PASpoiler@aol.com.
As for the identities of the 8 wrestlers, don't worry about that. Being the great journalists that we are, we'll find out and expose these losers for the true frauds that they are. And with $80,000 raised, we'll drive then out of the business forever!
So won't you make your contribution today? Remember the dignity of professional wrestling is at stake!
Dan Moreland is a columnist for Pro Wrestling's Between The Sheets - for comments or opposing viewpoints please e-mail to Dan Moreland