THE UGLY TRUTH
By: Dan Moreland
Photo: L. BRENT BOZELL 3rd CALLS A PTC MEETING TO ORDER.
Look I understand and am way too familiar with the typical knee-jerk reaction of the average wrestling fan to these trailer park trash Bible Belt buffoons that decided it is their time to dictate what you or I can watch on TV.
The natural tendency is to F-bomb their mailbox more than Tricky Dick or LBJ carpet-bombed Charlie in Hanoi in the 1960s. But there is a better way you can get back at these right-wing retards and conservative crackpots. But first let me make the following point.
Groups like the Media Research Center, the Parent's Television Center (PTC), the PMRC etc DO have a function in our society. And that function would be to gather information and present an ARGUMENT to parents and other viewers about what is and what is NOT OK for them or their loved ones to watch. THEN . . .
LET THE PEOPLE DECIDE.
It is called . . . . PARENTAL DISCRETION.
See I don't have kids. But if I did, I'd be damned if I'd Wrestlings Most Beloved Journalist Jr. watch Raw, South Park or Beavis and Butthead. As for my brood getting influenced by kids at school whos crackhead parents let them watch these shows, well that where Mom and Pop must step in and teach their yunguns right from wrong.
Anyone that has read my columns in PWBTS knows I've taken my shots at the WWF's content over and over again. HOWEVER . . .. I'll be DAMNED if I let these FREAKS bang my sponsors or the networks, or even worse my elected legislators to the point of preventing ME from watching what I want to watch!!!!!!
THIS IS AMERICA, DAMMITT, and besides . . . . we have CHANNEL CHANGERS ON OUR REMOTE CONTROLS!!!!!!!!!! I'll bet you there is a shortage of those in China, North Korea and Iraq, by golly!
Want to lay the proverbial Smacketh Down on these Holy Rolling rejects???? Well e-mailing them in an INTELLIGENT, NICE fashion is an OK way, but I'll do you one better.
EMAIL THE SPONSORS.
Take Legos for example. Legos has been pimping Mindstorms like crazy over Smackdown for the past few months. Seems like a nice toy. Now, I have no clue who makes Legos (you all have access to search engines, you do the rest), but why not EMAIL THE SPONSORS . . . AND LET THEM KNOW HOW MUCH YOU APPRECIATE THEM ADVERTISING DURING WRESTLING??????? (Note: Bob Magee put out a post a few days ago with a list of sponsors you can email. Check it out)
An friendly how ya doin neighbor e-mail to UPN would be nice too.
See how much more productive this tactic would be? Compare and decide which email you think is more effective:
SUBJ: GO FUCK YOURSELF
Dear PTC, You suck. Go to hell. Wrestling rulz, and you all suck. I hate you, I hate your families, and I hate Jesus. ECW!!!!ECW!!!!!!ECW!!!!!!!
Signed, Dick Hertz Concerned wrestling fan
P.S.: Did I mention how much you a-holes suck??????!!!????
Real nice, there DICK. Did a lot to help out the revolution there, budro. Let's see if we cant do just a little better, shall we?????
SUBJ: THANKS FOR YOUR SUPPORT
To whom it may concern, It has come to my attention that your company may have been pressured recently by the Parents Television Council, the Media Resource Center, and other like minded groups to withdraw your sponsorship of WWF Smackdown on the UPN network.
As a concerned wrestling fan and a loyal viewer of this show, I would like to thank you and encourage you to continue supporting professional wrestling on network television despite this overblown controversy.
I feel I speak on behalf of most UPN viewers in assuring you that despite the lobbying of an apparently vocal MINORITY SPECIAL INTEREST GROUP, the vast MAJORITY of your potential customers enjoy Smackdown, and would encourage you to continue advertising on this program.
Please do not fall into the trap of letting a small group that does not watch this show (and probably does not support your product anyway) ruin it for your real customers.
Sincerely, RICHARD Hertz
Well I think you know where I am going with this.
PTC, thank you for alerting Americans to the content of WWF television. And we would thank you for allowing US to decide if we want to watch the show, NOT YOU.
Wrestling fans, don't bang PTC . . . too hard. By doing so you will then sound like . . .well, wrestling fans. Instead send positive feedback to the sponsors and networks!
In the meantime, feel free to check out my hibernating Libertarian based website at: http://www.geocities.com/capitolhill/parliament/1685
if you need to get pumped up first!!!!
More on the PTC brew-haha.
Now before I get into what Im sure will become a real mess, I want to put out the following disclaimer:
I never have been, currently am not, nor ever will be, involved in the shooting war between PWBTS.COM and 1wrestling.com- ER- Wrestling Site X. That is a war valiantly taken on by others at this site, and besides, like I always said, I dont care what writers from other websites say. Only what I SAY.
Of course, that is until someone writes something SOOOO moronic, do dopey, SO ASININE, that I simply canNOT sit by and let the remark go without its appropriate ridicule!
The victim of the following assault is none other than the celebrated editor of the Daily Lariat on Wrestling Site X, Dave Scherer, who recently wrote this beauty concerning the WWF losing advertisers:
Maybe it's the cynic in me, or maybe I have just been around this business too long, but suddenly, the thoughts are creeping into my head that this could all be a well thought out publicity stunt designed to generate attention for the WWF. The WWF gets that "Insane Clown Posse" kind of publicity that sells product, and the PTC (which hardly anyone had ever heard of before this) gets national attention. Nah, that couldn't be. Could it?
Uh, no Dave, it could NOT.
What kind of ignorant-ass comment was THAT????!!????? What are you Dave, A DOPE???!???
Now dont get me wrong. I know where Dave is coming from. He writes for a website that is owned by a WCW employee, so you know that there is most likely to be an anti-WWF bias with Website X. And unlike other writers at PWBTS, Im down with that.
After all, it is only WRESTLING. Working people has been part of wrestling since carnie freaks were gouging the eyeballs out of drunks skulls in tents, and that same con has been perpetrated on the internet for years now.
But the WWF losing advertisers as a PUBLICITY STUNT????!??
OK, whatever you say there, Dave.
Lets see just visit Titan Towers and see how this would take place, shall we?
SCENE: VINCE MCMAHONS OFFICE IN TITAN TOWERS. PRESENT COMPANY INCLUDES MCMAHON, GERALD BRISCO, PAT PATTERSON, AND BRUCE PRITCHARD. PAUL HEYMAN IS OUT OF THE ROOM, GETTING COFFEE FOR VINCE.
VINCE MCMAHON: Well, lets see. We are killing WCW in the ratings. We are a billion-dollar company thanks to a recent IPO. And Steve Austin, the Rock and many of our stars are now household names thanks to the WWF being the most popular wrestling promotion in history.
But you know what? Thats not enough!
JERRY BRISCO: What are you getting at, Mr. Mike Mann?
VINCE: A work; a stunt of even MORE colossal proportions than any ever undertaken.
Im going to get many of our most important sponsors to withdraw their advertising from Smackdown to call attention to the fact that the WWF is a controversial company with questionable content!!!!!!
BRUCE PRITCHARD: But Vince, havent the parents groups done a good job at that already? Wont losing a sponsor cause a snowball effect that will cost the WWF millions and millions in valuable advertising stream?
VINCE: SHUT UP! IDIOTS! Cant you see? Money is not important! After all the IPO and us continuing the Over-the-Edge Pay-Per-View even though a wrestler died during it were just publicity stunts, not financial moves! Come on! Where are your guys heads at???!!!!
BRISCO: You are a brilliant man, Mr. Mike Mann.
PAT PATTERSON: You are arousing my anus, Vince.
VINCE (pressing his intercom): Rena, get me the CEO of Coca-Cola would you?
RENA: (over intercom) Yes sir, Mr. McMahon.
VINCE: Let this be a business lesson to ALL of YOU! (intercom beeps; McMahon picks up the horn)
Ah! Mr. Davis! Good afternoon! Look, do me a favor. I need cheap publicity. I want you to immediately withdraw all you advertising from Smackdown to make it look like parents groups are protesting the WWF.
Yes, yes I know Mr. Davis, our audience is your strongest demographic, and you are paying us millions a year for ads, but I need you OFF Smackdown.
OK what if I call your mother a dirty whore cocksucker?
Mr. Davis? MR DAVIS? (hangs up and smiles)
Well, great it looks like Coca-Cola is out. Im telling you guys- THIS IS THE GREATEST THING EVER!!!!!
BRISCO: You ARE a great man, Mr. Mike Mann.
PATTERSON: Can I suck you off, Vince?
VINCE: Why stop with Coca-Cola? (on intercom) Rena? GET ME THE JOINT CHIEFS OF STAFF!!!!!!!!!
Word we are getting is that Lex Luger has been shooting off his yap in the WCW dressing room about how stupid he thinks the Maestro and Tony Marenara angles are.
Which begs the $64,000 question:
WHO THE HELL IS LEX LUGER TO CRITCIZE ANYBODY???!!!????
I mean what has THIS dude EVER accomplished in his career except duping promotion after promotion into giving him lucrative deals in return for little or nothing of value?
Why dont we take a look at all the great programs YOU have been in, shall we Flexxie?
Like when Bruiser Brody shot on you ASS in a steel cage in Florida in the late 80s and you had to run out of the kennel like a little bitch? Or how about when you filled the departing Ric Flairs shoes as WCW champion in 1991? Boy you really turned around THAT promotion, didnt you?
You did such a good job that Vince McMahon hired you to be on the World Bodybuilding Federation pay-per-view in 1992- only to have you drop out at the last minute after a motorcycle accident? Another knockout career move, Larry.
When you finally DID get into the ring, it was as the Narcissist. Boy THAT gimmick put the asses in the seats, didnt it?
HAHAHAHHA!!! WHAT A LOOOOOSER! OOOps sorry about that smarks. While doing my Luger rant I was watching Inside Editions feature on campus drinking where they are showing this A-hole getting arrested for starting a fight a college bar- RIGHT ON CAMERA!
GOOD JOB, COLLEGE STUDENT! Ill bet Mom and Dad are just BEAMING with pride at home watching the tube as they witness their little darling make a complete jackass out of himself on in front of millions of people!
Gee honey, look its our son! Im so glad we gave up that new car and our dreams so that we could save up enough money so that Junior could go to college and EMBARRASS us on national television! Im SOOOO glad we decided NOT go through with that third trimester abortion twenty years ago, arent you?????
Now listen Im no prude. I went to college, and trust me, there were days where I thought beer was food.
I can proudly say that I graduated with a 3.4- until I discovered that was my blood alcohol level.
But I dont care HOW many Keystone Light funnels I pounded back at the U, I would STILL know enough that if I saw some dude with a camera that sez Hard Copy on the side, he was NOT there to make me look good in front of potential employers!!!!!!!!!!
College students. Advice from Frat Brother Dan for you:
RIGHT AFTER POUNDING TWENTY-FOUR CHASERS IS NOT THE TIME TO SEEK YOUR FIFTEEN MINUTES OF FAME. When the bar is spinning, and you see a camera go by, come to your senses and realize that now is NOT your golden opportunity to wax poetic to some reporter about your views on the meaning of life and politics. Do yourself a favor. HIDE IN THE BATHROOM UNTIL THE REPORTER LEAVES.
Then again, on second thought, DONT. Drunk college kids are WAY too fun to watch!
Back to Lex.
But my favorite was in 1993 when Lex Loudmouth was given the biggest push in the history of the WWF at that point as the All-American to feud with Yokozuna. Yeah, THAT went over REAL well, Lex.
And when you think about it, just what the F##$!! has Lex Loudmouth accomplished in the WCW since he jumped in 1995?
Can you say ZERO??????
MEMO TO LEX LOSER:
SHUT YOUR PIE-HOLE, LEX. NO ONE CARES WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT OTHER WRESTLERS GIMMICKS. WITH YOUR LACK OF TALENT YOU ARE LUCKY TO BE IN THE BUSINESS.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, BY OPENING YOUR FLYCATCHER, YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY START CALLING ATTENTION TO YOURSELF. THEN BILL BUSCH WILL REMEBER THAT YOU ARE ON HIS PAYROLL, AND BE FORCED TO FIRE YOU!!!!!!!!!!
Look, I will give Lex his due. He is obviously a very intelligent man. I mean what other explanation do you have for this gassed out stiff making so much money in this business?
But Lex PLEASE . . . SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!!!
Speaking of WCW, was that supposed to be a 2x4 or a gigantic FRENCH FRY that Hacksaw Duggan brought to the ring Monday night on Nitro????
I mean if THAT was a 2x4, I would call the Home Depot that he bought that at, and have the lumber manager ARRESTED.
Was it my TV, or was the thing actually FLOPPING AROUND????? Was I imagining things, or did the thing actually TWIST when Dean Malenko and Hacksaw were tugging on it???
OK OK I dont expect Hacksaw to whack dudes domes with a REAL piece of lumber, but if you are going to use a prop in the ring, at least make it look REAL! I mean watching wrestlers sell for piece of foam was HORRIBLE!
What WAS that thing, anyway? One of those giant innerfloat straws that kids use at a swimming pool?
Whats next? Hacksaw cleans house with a Steve Austin foam finger? Strangles Vince Russo with cotton candy?
This has nothing to do with wrestling. Sorry about that fans, but it is about an important issue, I have the forum, so here goes.
Countries and environmental groups around the world are protesting the Ukraines decision to restart the Chernobyl nuclear reactor.
For those of you who have been following nothing but wrestling over the past 12 years, Chernobyl was the site of the worlds worst nuclear power plant accident in 1989. That year, Chernobyls reactor exploded, killing something like 150 Unibrows in the former Soviet Union and undoubtedly poisoning thousands, maybe millions more. The radiation cloud was detected as far away as Sweden.
The long term affects have been devastating as well- a good portion of the Ukraine around the plant was reduced to wasteland (sort of like New Jersey just to give you an idea), and countless babies with three eyes and twelve toes have mysteriously been born in the area since then.
But obviously that was NOT enough for the Unibrows in what is now the Ukraine. Despite the lessons of this horrible tragedy just a few years ago, the Ukraine now wants to restart the plant, citing lack of international funds forcing them to seek desperate measures to find sources of electricity.
I have a better idea for you, Unibrows:
Look, I understand your situation- you need electricity. But if it were up to me, I would first rub sticks together to make fire before I would even CONSIDER lighting up that glow stick!!!!!!
Then again does any of this surprise anybody? I mean restarting a nuclear power plant that blew up in 1989 is NOT the first bad idea that has ever come out of Russia.
Take COMMUNISM for example???? That worked out real well. Bread lines. Siberian death camps. Toilet paper shortages. STALIN. Good job Soviets. Cant wait to have YOU back.
Even scarier, it took the Unibrows SEVENTY FRIGGIN YEARS to figure out that communism sucks!
And 900 to figure out that the Tsar was even WORSE!
Boris Yeltsin is no bargain, either.
Come to think of it being Russian must suck. I really feel sorry for these people. Whether it is a totalitarian monarchy tyranny, a communist dictatorship, or a democracy being run by a drunk and some gangsters, you can count on two things if you are a Ruskie: you will be poor; and you will freeze your ass off.
No wonder 40% of all Russian are vodka-swilling alkies.
And you want to know what is even scarier that the Unibrows restarting Chernobyl? Its a country run by drunk gangsters that STILL HAS NUKES!!! Makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, doesnt it?
Looks like the Cold War may NOT be quite over, does it?
In the meantime, the next time you take a three week vacation to the Gulag, heres a travel tip for you: PACK MARSHMALLOWS.
Im about 300 pages or so into Mankinds book and I have a few observations.
(As you might have guessed, instead of giving you a full review, Im just going to share my thoughts in bits and pieces as I plow through the best seller).
One thing I will say. Mick Foley is a MANs man. And Im not talking about all the bumps hes taken either. Or losing his ear. Nor am I talking about how he let the Rock repeatedly smash his dome with a steel chair at the Royal Rumble (which, by the way I found reprehensible).
No, I am talking about where Mick recounts how he let Vader and Harley Race KNUCKLE-PUNCH HIS EYEBROW TO DRAW BLOOD! OUCH!!!
As far as Im concerned, you can go through all the tables you want; you can blade your forehead into ribbons- but until you let another wrestler PHYSICALLY DISFIGURE YOU- you are NOT a man! Man is that sick!
Not that this thing does not go on all the time. I know All-Japan wrestlers let each other potato each others eyes to make their matches look real. This is a sick business.
A funny one, too. Mick Foley also relays the story of how Bill Watts gave Shane Douglas a right cross to make him look injured for an interview on WCW TV! And the funny thing is, knowing Bill Watts, Ill bet dollars to doughnuts that Shane wasnt exactly down with Bill doing that either!
But then again, it IS Bill Watts we are talking about here. Ill bet it went a little something like this.
BILL WATTS: Hey, Shane your interviews really have sucked as of late. Here let me help you.
OK roll the camera!
Another story I find amazing from the book is how Cactus Jack got screwed out of getting a bonus after winning the King of the Death Match tournament in Japan back in 1995. Here is dude going through thumbtacks, beds of nails, barbed wire, and almost gets him arm blown off after wrestling 3 bloody matches in front of 28,0000 fans at Kawasaki Baseball stadium.
Then, he crawls back to the dressing room, bloody, battered and tired. He runs into IWA Promoter Asano, and hints to Asano that based on the nice house, and the incredible beating he took, maybe Asano could see fit to kick down a couple shekels as a bonus.
Asanos response? HE HANDS OUR MAN A SODA.
Asano-san: Cactus just got killed for you. AN FN SODA???!!!??????. Asano comes across as even more despicable when you figure that dude was a real estate mogul worth $50 MILLION DOLLARS!
But thats OK. Cactus DID get paid for the show.
That is just plain WRONG. Its not like Asano was this starving indie promoter who just ran a show in a high school gym in front of 65 scumbags. He just drew a $400,000 house!
Asano, be a MAN, open up the mothball sack, and hand poor Mick a couple Franklins, would you for crying out loud?
Here, Cacti-san, good job- have a Pepsi!
That is just cold. Still wanna be a rassler?
Im going to finish this weeks segment by talking about weight and weight loss. Ive been running it for a few months about how sick I am of all the Yokozuna comeback stories and how he needs to lose weight.
On the other hand, it IS possible that weight loss can be taken TOO far. Take the sad story of New Japan wrestler Shinya Hashimoto for example.
Perhaps the biggest drawing wrestler in J-pan in the 1990s, the 6-0 or so 300+ pound Hashimoto was injured in January when current NWA champion Noaya Ogawa shot on his ASS and he was sidelined. New Japan decided that this would be a nice opportunity for Hashimoto to use all this free time to lose a few Elbs and shape up. No problem as dude WAS starting to get pudgy around the sides, so Hashimoto complied and hit the Jenny Craig.
Hash came back even slimmer and fitter than expected, at something like a nice healthy 260 beans. CLUTCH- Shinya is back, looks studley, and New Japan is happy and its all good, right?
Well, no, after all this IS Japan we are talking about here. Self-torture as we all know IS an accepted part of Japanese culture. I know this because the Japanese came up with Pokemon.
260 was NOT good enough. More weight would have to be lost. His weight now? 240 FRIGGIN' POUNDS! I mean, I thought Hashimoto's gimmick kind of WAS his weight? Now dude looks like a chopstick!
But the story gets even worse. Now rumors are that NJ wants the poor guy to lose MORE WEIGHT!!!! If this nonsense keeps up, Shinya Hashimoto, one of the toughest heavyweights in the business, will be reduced to getting in the ring with Rey Misterio Jr to make HIM look BIG!!!!!
Just what is NJ trying to do, KILL THE GUY??? What do they want out of him, to start inducing vomiting before his matches? If he keeps this up, hell be skinnier that Tim Tall Tree!
Next thing you know, well be seeing Shinya Hashimoto dealing diet tips to Corista Flockhart on Ally McBeal.
Or perhaps well catch poor Shinya dancing to Chubby Checker tunes on Richard Simmons next Sweatin to the Oldies tape??!!!?????
STILL WANT TO BE A RASSLER???????????
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All content from the Ugly Truth property of Dan Moreland unless otherwise authorized.
Dan Moreland is a columnist for Pro Wrestling's Between The Sheets - for comments or opposing viewpoints please e-mail to Dan Moreland
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