(PWBTS online readers: I apologize for not having any articles printed here for the last seven weeks . . .due to my travel schedule, increased workload with PWBTS' online radio show "Layin' the Smack Down" and involvement with two wrestling promotions, it has been very difficult for me to sit down and write. Hopefully with some new computer technology I'll be able to get columns to all of you here at PWBTS on a weekly or at least bi-weekly basis.
And frankly, if you've been THAT distraught over me not having any new material, you really need to get a life.
Miss me already, don't you?-DGM)
WELL, WELL, WELL! Just when you thought that it was safe to log on the Internet again, PWBTS once again presents . . .the UGLY TRUTH!
And frankly the Ugly Truth is what a bunch of spineless jellyfish you wrestlers and wrestling fans are! Seven weeks ago I offered a bounty of $10,000 each on the heads of the eight wrestlers who participated in the taping of the despicable NBC Special "Exposed! The Secrets of Pro Wrestling Revealed!" to air 7 pm November 1. In it eight wrestlers in hoods will show millions at home how to blade, that chairshots don't hurt because they are made of plastic, and how "easy it is to take bumps in the ring. In essence, these eight shameless scallywags will make a mockery of the very business which has put money in their pocket and made some meaning of their otherwise pathetic lives.
I asked you fans and wrestlers to help me raise the $80,000 (10 g's for each wrestler) to be paid out to any wrestler who can end the career of any of these scoundrels in the ring. I even generously pledged $500 out of my own pocket.
I should have been praised and showered with accolades for my brave and courageous stand against the hordes of those who try to parodize the great sport of Professional Wrestling.
What happened instead? Well for starters, my modem hasn't exactly been burning up with pledges, that's what! Besides my $500, the only other contribution offered was someone's right testicle. Gee thanks guys.
To make matters worse, I received tons of hate mail from a bunch of cowards crying "How can you deny someone a right to support their families by asking someone to injure them in the ring?" How about the hundreds of wrestlers trying to support their families by not undermining the business that these goofballs are trying to ruin by making a quick buck? Fritz Capp, PWBTS editor, even took a poll that found that less than 50% of you sheep even cared. Pathetic.
But the biggest blow of all came when some of the names were revealed who participated in the show. As expected, some were low life jobroni's like Michael Modest and several other losers from the Dave Meltzer shill promotion All Pro Wrestling out of California. But my life was ruined, and my dreams crushed when I found out that three of the other participants were . . . .the PIT BULLS and . . . HARLEY RACE! HARLEY F'N RACE! The former 7 time NWA Champion Harley F'N Race. What is up with that? No, Virginia, there is no Santa Claus!
For a few weeks I've done some soul searching. If Harley Race, a product of the old school of wrestling, didn't even respect the deepest traditions of wrestling, then why should I? Hell I may as well call NBC myself and make a quick buck! Finally, after much soul searching, on the WORAN show "Layin' the Smack Down" I made a fateful decision which I repeat here in print:
DOUBLE THE BOUNTY!
That's right. The bounty has been doubled! $20,000 will go to the wrestler, who, in the ring, during the course of a wrestling match, removes one of these lowlifes from the wrestling business for good.
Of course, PWBTS readers I need your help. I cant do this alone. And $500 won't cut it. If any of you limpwristed sissies have any guts, you'll stand up proudly as a wrestling fan or wrestler and email your pledge to: PASpoiler@aol.com
While your at it, be a man and contact NBC to let them know you'll be boycotting any of the sponsors advertising on the special!
Let's see, what else is new in the past seven weeks in the wacky, wooly, wild world of wrestling? Does WCW suck or what? I've been criticized for being a wrestling writer but not watching all of Nitro and Thunder every week. Look, I'm not going to waste my valuable time every week disseminating five hours of shit to catch the actual seven minutes that are any good (like the Bischoff- Flair and Jerichoholic stuff). See, unlike 98% of the pre-pubes on the Internet, I have a real life. And a real job. But I'll tell you what. If you like this crap so much, tape the five hours for me each week and edit out all the stuff on Nitro and Thunder that sucks. You could probably catch ten weeks of material on a two hour tape at slow speed. Then go ahead and mail it to me if you don't die of boredom first.
And your VCR doesn't puke it out.
What is with the Warrior-Hogan angle? I feel like Im watching the Sci-Fi Channel, not TNT whenever they show that steroid freak appear out of the fog. And is Ed Leslie Warrior's new butt buddy or something? I feel like I'm watching "Oz" on HBO and Hulk Hogan just traded his prison bitch to the Warrior for some cigarettes or something.
The Ultimate Sponge is the biggest piece of human waste to pollute this business since Herb Abrams showed up at a convention twelve years ago with a big mouth and lots of rubber checks. He can't wrestle, he cant talk and is so roided out his face looks like a mandril and he has women's breasts. The horrible Neutrogena Glow tan doesn't help either. It was hilarious watching the fans boo as he cut a promo with Sting. Or tried to.
Lets face it the Warrior is a washed up piece of trash who should stay out of wrestling. Well, based on what a complete asshole he is, Im sure he'll freak out at the first mention of doing a job and bless us all by walking out of WCW altogether.
Meanwhile on the WWF front Raw continues to be the most entertaining program in wrestling. One question however. What is this country coming to? How can fans cheer a guy who attacks and sodomizes a crippled man in the hospital? Or a former porno star who steals a guys wife? Its just as bad in WCW when four Wolfpack members vandalize a limousine with a forklift then stalk and assault a drunk in a bar. This country is on a hayride to hell!
Speaking of which . . .what is a 40 year old Scott Hall doing hanging out with those college kids anyway? . . . . I think Georgianne Makropoulos is doing a great job as Marcus Alexander Bagwell's Mom. Just kidding. Actually its Phyllis Lee, Dan Severn's old manager. . . That was a joke too. . . . Does anyone really care that Goldust is back? . . . .Now that the WWF is everything wrestling should be to the hardcore audience, does ECW even matter anymore? . . . . The Sandman made the right decision in signing with WCW. Sorry, all you glue sniffing ECW morons, but the guy isn't long for this world smashing a beer can on his head every night and taking these sick bumps. If your not in this business to make a buck, your a stinkin, low down, lousy mark! . . . .
See? I knew you all missed me! Just remember don't look in the mirror . . . you just might see . . .
THE UGLY TRUTH
Dan Moreland is a columnist for Pro Wrestling's Between The Sheets - for comments or opposing viewpoints please e-mail to Dan Moreland