THE UGLY TRUTH about . . . STING . . . BRET HART & CHRIS BENOIT . . . FABULOUS MOOLAH & MAE YOUNG . . .. JAPANESE OBSESSION WITH URINE . . . .BILL BUSCH . . .and much, much MORE!!!!!!!
I'm not buying Sting as a heel.
What, you mean I'm NOT the only one?
I hate armchair booking. Let's face it, it's mental masturbation to present your booking ideas on the internet in the desperate hope that one of the bigwigs at one of the major companies has nothing better to do in their 80 hour workweek than click on your website.
It is an absolute, complete waste of time and any jerk who spends their lives on the internet posting their stupid booking ideas should GET a life, or better yet, be shot.
So here's my booking idea:
Ditch Sting's makeup. No really, it's worth a try! Maybe on Nitro during hour one have Sting do a promo saying he hates the Stingers, he's now Steve Borden and in the main event he will wrestle sans makeup!
Look, at least you'll pick up a few cheap ratings points from curiosity seekers (and there are still many fans who have yet to see Stinger without the clown getup). The second thing is, Sting actually has a geeky-jerky (no, that is NOT a real word) look about him that I think can be heelish (where's a Thesaurus when you need one?)
Sorry, but I just can't hate Sting in that silly Crow get-up. A good heel turn with a wrestler who lacks draw usually involves a major personality overhaul.
Otherwise you'll have Sting continue to beat on WCW's babies with a ball bat while the marks cheer for him!
I am going to be perfectly honest with you.
When I read that Bret Hart was going to do a tribute match to Owen Hart on Nitro, alarm bells went off in my head. When I was told it was going to be at the site of Owen's tragedy, Kemper Arena in Kansas City, I REALLY was ready, with laptop in hand, to strike like a cobra!
I had visions of Bret doing match at 8:58 after cutting a promo on how much the WWF sucks, and have to listen to Yngwie Schiavone allude to how WCW, unlike SOME OTHER organization, is devoting time to recognize Owen while they are not.
Then that would be followed up by Bret doing yet another Calgary Sun column ripping on the British Bulldog or Jim Neidhart or someone for talking or working with the WWF.
I was VERY pleasantly surprised with a very touching, and fitting tribute to Owen this past Monday.
No Bret coming out at the key ratings time just to tell the fans he doesn't know what he's going to do next. No Kevin Nash in the back having a cow over Bret cutting the promo short, killing his chance to squelch the WWF's opening segment. No announcers ripping on Vince.
Just Bret and Chris Benoit working their ASSES off with a great, old time style WRESTLING match. This, wrestling fans, is what a true tribute to a fallen comrade should be!
The only thing that's kind of a shame is that the fans were into the match and gave both wrestlers a standing O at the end of the match. The reason that's a shame is because if it were any other two wrestlers in different in a different situation, that would not happen.
The problem with doing the type of match Hart and Benoit did is that 90% of the dopes and morons out there have been trained to believe a wrestling match has to involve broken tables and big breasts to be any good.
Old time wrestling truly is dead, but was revived one more time in the memory of Owen Hart.
In the meantime, hats off to Bret Hart and Chris Benoit for a true act of class, and to WCW for presenting what was one of the finest moments in wrestling this decade!
Speaking of which, MEMO TO THE WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION:
KNOCK IT OFF WITH THE OLD BROADS.
I'm talking about Fabulous Moolah and Mae Young. It was a funny one time payoff angle that has turned into a sickening septugenarian freak show!
This is not a shot at Moolah or Young- hey, someone offered them the jack, and I have to hand it to these old bags- it takes SACK to go out there and try to work a match at the age of 137!
I remember seeing Moolah taking a bump off the ring at the 3rd Gilbert show just a year and a half ago. And Mae Young once beat the crap out of a male manager in Amarillo when she was in her 40s! Even at their advanced age, a pus like me would NOT mess with either of these Amazons!
But really, enough IS enough!.
The memo continues:
IT IS NOT NECESSARY TO SHOW EVERY SINGLE FEMALE WRESTLER IN YOUR PROMOTION IN THEIR UNDERWEAR!!!!!
Sorry, try as I could, I could not concentrate hard enough to get that semi in my pants when I saw Mae Young get stripped of her bra and panties on Raw.
Fabulous Moolah and Mae Young are legends, and I give both ladies their props for even climbing into a wrestling ring and taking bumps.
But let's face reality here- at their advanced age neither can work to a credible level, and all they really do is make Ivory look worse than she really is.
Speaking of legends and old time wrestling, I AM really looking forward to the "Heroes of Wrestling" pay-per-view October 10! This concept reminds me of those WCW Slamboree pay-per-views watching Dick Murdoch lift his beer gut six feet in the air to execute a head scissors; or 50+ Dory Funk Jr and Nick Bockwinkel giving the fans a fifteen minute mat clinic!
For you prepubes out there, if you've never had the thrill of watching Abdullah the Butcher jam a fork into his opponents bleeding eyeball, then I recommend this pay-per-view for you! I know I'll have a pizza and a Bloody Mary ready by my chair for that one!
In addition, forget all these luchadores- I'm looking forward to near 60 year old Jimmy Snuka flying across the ring on top of a prone legendary Cowboy Bob Orton! Or how about Nickolai Volkoff singing the Russian National Anthem while the Iron Sheik waves the Iranian flag? GREAT STUFF!!!!
THIS is where Fabulous Moolah and Mae Young belong!
Also scheduled for that show is 2-ton former WWF Champion Yokozuna.
Rumor has it that the WWF was talking with Yokozuna, but there are concerns about his weight.
Gee, do you think?
Please do not post any more about Yokozuna. He will NEVER return to a major promotion until HE LOSES WEIGHT!
I'm not talking about a three-week Slimfast plan here either. The last I heard the guy weighs over I think 1000 pounds, and several states will NOT grant the guy a wrestling licesnce!!!
Clearly this guy has problems.
So, in the meantime, internet reporters, save your posts about Yokozuna MAYBE going to the WWF or Yokozuna MAYBE going to WCW. It simply is not going to happen. Also save your posts about "Yokozuna had lost weight, Yokozuna has gone to a fat farm and will return soon." Lost weight? So what, now the guy is only 600 POUNDS?!????
Internet reporters: next time you post about Yokozuna, I will NOT trust your post until I see a PICTURE of a SLIM, FIT TRIM Yokozuna downloaded on your site!!!!!
Sorry, internet reporters- photos of 350 pound Kokina Maximus FROM 1988 do NOT count!!!
In the meantime, for Yoko a few indie shows here and there, a Heroes of Wrestling Pay-Per-View there.
In all seriousness, this whole thing is kind of a shame. For a guy his size, Yoko was a passable worker and also a notorious ribber.
But the bottom line is this guy DOES need to get his act together, or he won't be showing up ANYWHERE soon!
Back to the Owen tribute. How weird was it to quickly turn to Raw during the Hart-Benoit match and see former Calgary trainee Chris Jericho and later in the match Bret Hart's brother-in- law British Bulldog powerslamming Chyna?
Hmmmmmm . . . .
Remember last week when I ripped the WWF for using those stupid Rottweilers in that "Dog Kennel" debacle on last month's "Unforgiven" Pay-per view? These dogs were so stupid that they urinated around the ring?
Well, I just found out that these dogs are NOT stupid- they are fans of Japanese wrestling!
Obviously the real reason these mongrels spewed golden showers on the front row on that PPV was because they were learning the example of FMW wrestler Kodo Fuyuki the night before!
See, Fuyuki did an angle at Korakuen hall where he tied up his rival and promoter Shoichi Arai in the ring, pulled down his pants, and URINATED ON HIM!!!!
Not with his back to a camera.
But in the middle of the ring. In front of fans.
That's real nice, Kodo.
Look, I don't want to sit here and bust on the Japanese culture. But I still find it kind of F'D up that it is OK to piss on somebody in public IN ANY SOCIETY.
As a matter in fact, did you know that in ancient Japan, Samurai warriors used to greet each other by CROSSING URINE STREAMS???????!!!! I am NOT making this up!
I wonder if this caused an awkward situation when New Japan's Tatsumi Fujinami visited WCW VP Bill Busch to continue their working relationship.
BILL BUSCH: (bowing, out of respect for Japanese custom) Welcome to America, Fujinami-san! Wait . . hey . . .WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOUR'E DOING?????!!!!!THIS IS A NEW SUIT, GODAMMITT!!!!!!
TATSUMI FUJINAMI: I pee on Busch!
OK, that joke really sucked.
But now I know how Eric Bischoff kept his hair in place after all those trips to Japan.
Nothing like a little Japanese "essence" to give your hair that extra shine!
Then again isn't this the culture where up to a few years ago it was acceptable to give their wives a daily beating?
Hey, I think the Japanese actually have a beautiful and sophisticated culture, quirks and all.
But all I'll say is this- if I'm in the ring and some dude whips out his Johnson and tries to mark his scent on ME, I don't care who it is- Toshiaki Kawada, Atsushi Onita or even the Great Muta- I'M GOING BALLISTIC!!!!!!!
Scott Teal has a great website and newsletter called "Whatever Happened To . . . ?".
But now his publications are both obsolete.
See, whenever you ask "Whatever Happened To . . . ?" just wait for WCW to let go of a few wrestlers and you'll find out!
Last year it was discovered that John Nord and Mike Enos were on WCW's payroll! This years laugher?
That's right fans, Bill Busch has let James Vandenburg go.
JAMES F'N VANDENBERG?!?!?!???? Geez, Is he STILL ALIVE?????
Maybe Bill Busch should help out Scott Teal a bit more and make some more paycuts. I mean what wrestlers will we find out were on WCWs payroll next?
Charlie Norris? Al Perez? GINO HERNANDEZ?????!!!!!
Let's dig deeper into WCW's books- maybe we'll find out that Gene Kiniski has been getting paid $150,000 a year! Hey, I heard no one has heard from Stanislaus Zybysko for a while!
I think the James Vandenburg example points out just how screwed up World Championship Wrestling was at the end of Bischoff's reign.
And that is NOT a shot at Vandenburg- he's can be a decent interview that reminds me a lot of the Grand Wizard and there IS interest from the WWF. It's just I want to know how much dude was getting paid to sit at home and do nothing for the past three years!!!!
A lot of people are hyped on Bill Busch, and in some ways so am I.
But as Harvey Keitel said to John Travolta and Samuel Jackson in Pulp Fiction, "Let's not start sucking each other's d---- just yet!"
There is a ton of work to be done. For one thing, Hogan is still around. Hulk still weilds a lot of power in this company and that is a situation that is not going to change for a very long time.
Another sign that it's going to take some time is a look at the sheet for Halloween Havoc:
Sting (pushing 40 years old) vs Hogan (45?) in the main event;
Bret Hart (40?) vs Lex Luger (40, though with all the gas he's used over the years, he look more like 70);
Ric Flair (60) vs DDP (45?).
This is NOT exactly what I had in mind when I heard that Bill Busch wants to elevate "new" stars. See those "new" stars are STILL buried wrestling EACH OTHER in the first half of the show!
On the other hand, word from Atlanta is that Busch's management style is a hell of a lot better than Eric Bischoff's. No throwing coffee at enmployees. No putting himself on TV frenching fat ugly biker chicks. No having meetings telling anyone who is not happy to get up and leave after humiliating half of your employees in front of each other.
Busch has even taken the time to talk to many of the wrestlers. He HAS sat down with the Huckster and told him that it will be Goldberg getting the duke in the long run, not him. Well see about that one, but it's still a good sign.
And Busch has made some critical cost cuts already as stated earlier.
As for the pay-per view- it will TAKE time. 8-12 months of consistent booking and TV writing (Vince Russo, for example) and a LONG TERM PLAN, and MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, WCW will catch up with the WWF!
In the meantime, suggestion for the World War 3 PPV, Bill: I'm BEGGING YOU- GET RID OF THAT STUPID-ASS THREE RING BATTLE ROYALE!!!!!
"WRESTLING'S MOST BELOVED JOURNALIST
Dan Moreland is a columnist for Pro Wrestling's Between The Sheets - for comments or opposing viewpoints please e-mail to Dan Moreland