The 32nd Annual PWBTS Motherf'n Prick of the Year Award
Daniel G. Moreland, President and Curator, Hemispheric Academy of Real Dickheads, Wrestlers And Nimrod Grapplers (HARDWANG)
Deep down you wanted it to end.
But you knew.
You knew there was no escape.
It has no feelings. It does not feel pain. And its doesn't care what you or anyone else thinks. It has no mercy, either.
It's the thing, that despite all efforts by mankind to stop it, simply will not go away.
Yes wrestling fans its time once again for the dreaded Annual PWBTS Motherf'n Prick of the Year Award! And this year for the first time ever, we have a very Special Guest Host- Ladies and gentleman please give a big welcome to former WWF Champion and 1993 recipient. . . SID VICIOUS!!!!
Whats that? He's not here yet? Uh . . . do we have anyone else?
Can he speak English? Well, Sid's not here yet . . I guess we don't have a choice! Are you sure about this? All right . . here goes nothing!
Ladies and Gentlemen, substituting for Sid Vicious . . . .former All- Japan Triple Crown Champion . . . .Kenta Kobashi!!!!!
"Aww tank you vedy vedy much mista Molan. It is hona an privilege to be firs Japan to pwesent vedy vedy impotant awaud! . . . "
Uh, thanks, Kenny- have a seat. Does anyone have any rice wine for Mr. Kobashi? (Who the hell booked this guy?) You know what, let me take the rest of the ceremony from here, since unlike Ken over there, I can complete a sentance in English. Heres the rules:
The 32nd Annual Motherf'n Prick of the Year Award goes to the individual who, intentionally or not, for personal gain or out of sheer stupidity, between the dates of December 1, 1997 and November 30, 1998, committed one or more of the following:
1) Does something that hurts the credibility or financial well being of the wrestling business;
2) Commits an act so low down and heinous that even the jaded denizens of one of the sleaziest businesses in the world are shocked and appalled (kind of like when murderers beat up rapists and child molesters in prison)
3) Acts like a complete jackass.
Well, we have an unusually long list of ahem- "worthy" candidates on this years docket, so without further ado here's this years Treasury of Treachery . . . this Years Nation of Degradation . . and this years (wait till you hear this one) . . . Lillehammer of Ninnyhammers . . . once again . . is he ready? . . Here is your host Kenta Kobashi with this years nominees for 32nd Annual Motherf'n Prick of the Year!
O.K. It looks like Ken's passed out with nominee Scott Hall from too much saki. I guess I'll take it from here.
BUH BUH RAY DUDLEY
In wrestling there's "good" heat and there's "bad" heat. Buh Buh is a good example of "bad" heel heat. Throughout 1998 Buh Buh has physically abused fans on his way to the ring. While I'm sure some of these fans were plants, ripping off hats, pushing fans and challenging them to storm the ring is a good way to start a riot . . .or a lawsuit. Someone really needs to remind this no-talent that we realize you can't get heat any other way . . .but you really don't need to start any more trouble than you have to with 1000 drunk glue-sniffing ECW fans. This is not surprising from a guy who threatened a loyal Club ECW fan with physical harm if he ever brought a poster to an ECW Arena show again. Hey fat boy . . next time I'm at ringside I'd like to see you rip a hat off my head. If a quick sucker punch to your eyeball doesn't wake you up to your foolishness . . I'm sure my lawyers will! In the meantime you'll have to settle for a nomination as 1998 Muh-muh-muh-motherf'n Prick of the Year!!!
Boy a shocker huh? I've never seen a wrestler make a better self case for retirement in 1998 than this over-aged over the hill Neutrogena-Glowed Egomaniac. He got 1998 off to a good start by intentionally screwing up the finish of his title switch with Sting at Starrcade 1997 by kicking out of the pinfall, tainting Sting's big win and messing up over a year of good and meticulous booking by WCW.
Then after WCW did a great job almost selling out the Georgia Dome for a July Nitro, Hogan generously volunteered to have a match with Goldberg so that he could take credit for headlining a sold out show.
The final straw was when another wrestler was able to snatch the spotlight that Hogan was hogging all year- Jesse "the Body" Ventura, who made the wrestling world proud by winning the governorship of Minnesota fair and square. Not to be shown up, the Hoaxster announced the next week on Nitro that he was going to run for President, making not only an ass out of himself, but of every suffering wrestling fan in the country.
The good news is that Hogan finally retired in November to pursue his sham run at the White House. The bad news is NBC has just signed WCW to do three prime time specials in 1999. And guess who they want on the shows?
Well, it looks like we have an early nomination for the 1999 Motherf'n Prick of the Year Award! Talk about the thing that won't go away!
Sid is one of the most sought after commodities in the wrestling market, but not for the reasons you might think. You see every time he agrees to appear for an independent wrestling show, he is sought after by the promoter about five minutes before bell time- because he never shows up!
Sid has given a bad name to the term "No-Show". Buddy Landell and Jake Roberts laugh at Sid Vicious. Sid no-showed so many promotions so many times this year that for any promoter to even advertise him ellicited laughter from disbelieving fans as well. As a matter of fact, if an indie promoter advertised Junkyard Dog, Louie Spicolli or Sid on a poster, most fans could count on JYD and Spicolli being there more than Sid.
Sid Vicious for "cutting to shreds" any semblance of credibilty you may have had left in this business, we at PWBTS nominate you for 1998 Motherf'n Prick of the Year Award. Can we cast your vote on an absentee ballot?
You have a beautiful wife, two great kids, and a $750,000 a year contract with WCW with one of the biggest pushes in the business. So what do you do?
Why you abandon your family and drink your life away of course! Throughout 1998 this talented and charismatic superstar has been in five car crashes, keyed a limo, and has been thrown out of more strip bars than the entire Marine Corps in a desperate attempt to drink himself to death. In and out of rehab more than in and out of the ring, Scott Hall has proven himself to be a crummy role model and an excuse of a celebrity allowing the excesses of the road to get to his head.
While WCW making a joke about his travails by making it a part of his gimmick sure hasn't helped, Scott Hall has only one person to blame for his self destructive alcoholic binge and the declination of his once shining career- himself!
Scott Hall, maybe winning the 1998 Motherf'n Prick of the Year Award will sober you up and make you live up to your promise you made at Starrcade- that 1999 will be your year!
Dan made quite an impact in 1998- and it hasn't been a very good one. Instead of being thankful that the internet has given him a voice on PWBTS.COM and the Real Audio Show, "Layin' the Smackdown", this nefarious nitwit has used the world wide web as a forum to shamelessly berate the very internet wrestling fans who gave him a podium to voice his vitriolic views in the first place.
Not only has this nutcase insulted internet wrestling fans by calling them 12 and 13 year old pre-pubes, he has accused his hapless editor and LTS host Fritz Capp, the man that gave him his first break in wrestling journalism, of being a WWF and NWA shill. He even verbally attacked a LTS contest winner over the internet! This from a man who in 1996 went to Home Depot to look for Windows for his computer and thinks a floppy disk is a form of birth control!
But the highlight- ummm lowlight of this man's horrific reign of terror was on September 12 when, as President of the Future Wrestling Alliance in Pennsylvania, he hit top babyface Chef DZ Gillespie over the head with his own cookie sheet! OK that was a work.
But here's a shoot: Dan Moreland for your high crimes and misdemeanors against the multitude of great internet wrestling fans, we at PWBTS nominate you for 1998 Motherf'n Prick of the Year!
Besides, what kind of egomaniac would nominate HIMSELF for an award?
November 1, 1998 was a day that will live in infamy. On that night NBC broadcast its despicable TV special, "Exposed!: Pro Wrestling's Greatest Secrets" where 8 wrestlers betrayed their profession and revealed many of the hidden aspects of the sport to millions watching at home. While all 8 of these Judases and that apostate Harley Race deserve special MFPOTY nominations, really the catalyst of this colossus of a perfidy is one Roland Alexander, promoter of All Pro Wrestling out of California, the promotion that supplied most of the workers for this TV show.
When questioned how he and his employees could commit this ultimate treason against their chosen profession, Roland proved to be no all-American boy and heed and hawed with more excuses than Bill Clinton at a grand jury taping. He tried to compare what he did with Vince McMahon admitting wrestling was worked at a New Jersey State Athletic Commission hearing back in the 80s. While his comments were not venerable at the time, Vince was forced to make the statement as a compromise to the commission trying to save his business in that state. Mr. Alexander and his wrestlers were trying to destroy it by making a buck.
Roland Alexander, here's one Secret of Professional Wrestling that deserves to be Exposed: You're a complete fraud who, for all your skullduggery, is nominated for 1998 Mothetrf'n Prick of the Year!
I don't even think I have to explain this one.
The Annual Eddie Gilbert Memorial Brawl is one of the few acts of class that you can expect from NWA Kingpin Dennis Corraluzzo: a time to remember the memory of one of wrestling's most beloved figures with stars from the past, present and future. Unfortunately, although not surprisingly, the man with the world's hugest forehead found a way to ruin this years celebration with a despicable display of disgracefulness that left a sickening feeling in every fans stomach that night.
During an in-ring presentation of a plaque to the Gilbert family, Dennis just couldn't resist taking a cheap shot at Paul E. Dangerously and ECW, saying that if it weren't for Eddie, ECW would never be on pay-per-view. When a few fans protested the ridiculousness of this fatuous statement, Dennis began to insult the fans. Caught up in the emotion of the moment, Mrs. Gilbert went on an unfortunate diatribe saying how much she hated Paul Heyman. The scene got uglier as Doug Gilbert challenged the fans to a fight.
It was a sickening scene, and Dennis is to blame. He took what was supposed to be a touching moment to use the memory of Eddie Gilbert to espouse his petty political views. Dennis Corralluzzo, if you can't keep your mouth in check, maybe we should all let Eddie's soul rest in peace and not have a Fourth Memorial Brawl. In the meantime maybe we'll present you with a plaque of your own, and there's NOTHING touching about it: 1998 Motherf'n Prick of the Year!
Well there you have it fans! Once again we'd like to congratulate all our nominees for doing their very best to make a mockery out of the Sport of Kings, pro wrestling! But, unfortunately, as we all know, there can be only one weiner, so lets go over who DIDN'T win before we announce this years Chumpion!
We were going to give it to BUH BUH RAY DUDLEY, but we were afraid he'd use his acceptance speech to challenge the audience to a fight. HOGAN has won the award so many times that, like his career in wrestling, it's time for him to step aside and allow someone else to get the spotlight- and we don't mean Ed Leslie or Horace Boulder. If we gave it to DAN MORELAND, it would look like a fix. And DENNIS CORRALUZZO threatened to break out legs if he won it.
SID VICIOUS no-showed the presentation, and SCOTT HALL is still passed out drunk. That leaves it down to two finalists….ERIC BISCHOFF and ROLAND ALEXANDER! Could we have both men up here for the final presentation please? And your winner is . . .envelope please . . .
APW PROMOTER ROLAND ALEXANDER!!!!!!
Roland, if you could please come to the podium and make a speech!
"Well, this is indeed an honor, . . .
OH MY GOD! CAN WE GET SOME HELP PLEASE! A BOMB JUST WENT OFF ONSTAGE! BOTH ROLANAD ALEXANDER'S AND ERIC BISCHOFF'S BODY PARTS ARE STREWN ACROSS THE FLOOR!!!!! SOMEONE CALL 911! WHATS THAT ORANGE OILY FLESHY STUFF? OH MY GOD ITS PARTS OF HOGAN'S SKIN!
"WE INTERRUPT THIS BROADCAST OF THE 32ND ANNUAL MOTHERF'N PRICK OF THE YEAR AWARDS TO BRING YOU A SPECIAL PWBTS.COM BULLETIN. CONTRARY TO ALL EARLIER REPORTS, IT WAS NOT A BOMB THAT WIPED OUT THE MFPOTY CEREMONY, BUT SCOTT HALL, WHO LIT UP A BONG. APPARENTLY A SPARK MIXED WITH THE ALCOHOL IN HIS BREATH AND IGNITED, CAUSING AN EXPLOSION. PLEASE STAYED TUNED TO PWBTS.COM FOR FURTHER UPDATES."
Damn. I hate when that happens.
Dan Moreland is a columnist for Pro Wrestling's Between The Sheets - for comments or opposing viewpoints please e-mail to Dan Moreland